Martial Arts Humor





You know you've been in martial arts for too long whenever... trip in public but manage to pull off a break fall. can't walk past a heavy bag in a sporting good's store without trying it out.'ve actually tried to knock a tree down with a side kick. see a wooden fence and you can't help but wonder if you can punch through it.

...people refuse to watch kung fu movies with you because you keep complaining that the hero's double spinning butterfly kick just wouldn't cut it in a real fight. have to fight the urge to bow whenever you leave your boss's office. can actually pronounce Royce Gracie's first name correctly.'ve tried a rolling fall on concrete, just to see if it hurt. actually understand an Asian language better when it's screamed at you in a guttural tone. begin to find members of the opposite sex more attractive when they wear a mouthpiece and boxing gloves.



Top 5 Reasons that Aikido is Like a Foot Fetish...


1. You tend to pay more attention to the people in skirts...

2. You try to explain it to your friends, but they all think you're weird.... outsiders never see the beauty of it............

3. You do it barefoot.

4. There are diseases you can catch that aren't a big risk for most other folks.

5. You start noticing related things in everyday life, and are fascinated with things that "normal" people miss completely.




Top Ten Differences between Aikido and Bullfighting...

  1. Bull won't take ukemi just to make you look good.

  2. In Aikido, if you muck up, you get to have another go.

  3. Bull fighters use capes while Aikidoka use skirts to confuse and confound.

  4. When you "defeat" uke in Aikido, you aren't awarded both ears and the tail.

  5. Shouting "OLE" after a good performance is not generally approved.

  6. No roses thrown into the arena by the senoritas.

  7. Generally Aikidoka do not attack with their head first.

  8. A bullfighter doesn't get to randori with six bulls at a time.

  9. If you do get 6 bulls at a time you run.

  10. A bull never looks at you unblinkingly, smiles and says "relax".





You know you've been in the Martial Arts too long when.......

-You say to the salesman in the men's store, "Nice pants, but I don't think I can kick in them."

-When you want to say "I'm sorry" and involuntarily bow.

-You go to the shoe store to try on shoes....
...Instead of walking or jogging around the store, you practice pivoting, sweeps, stances and kicks.
...You check to see if the shoe has a sufficiently hard striking surface and whether it protects the toes well ...and lastly, you don't even care if (and they probably are) the other patrons are looking at you funny. (That's the big clue)

-Now when every time you pass a wall you start to wonder: 'Is that structural or drywall?' THEN you know you've gone overboard.

-When you hit your head on a low doorway or ceiling and kick it in anger and damage it.

-"GAK! NO! The *left* side of the bathrobe goes on top...."

-"What was I doing in my office when I was spinning around and flailing my arms and legs? Ahhhhhmmmmmmm....."

-When you're practicing your arm blocks while driving down the highway, notice someone in another car staring at you, and suddenly turn your block into vigorously fanning away an imaginary fly

-When you use various strikes to turn lights off and on;

-Don your clothing h kicks, thrusts, and punches

-Open and close doors with spinning kicks

-Find yourself idly doing aikido and kenjitsu moves with the plastic knives at the fast food place

-Can't walk by anybody else from your school without casually exchanging a flurry of mock strikes and kicks

-Leap to your feet and shriek with indignation while watching "Kung Fu", "Walker, Texas Ranger", and "Highlander" at home

-Deliberately go to see martial arts movies in the theater so you can leap to your feet and shriek with indignation during the movie, out in the parking lot, and with all your friends the next time you're at class

-Find yourself practicing bo staff techniques in miniature with your pencil during dull meetings

-Try to back fist the correct floor button on the inside of the elevator, based on your memory of the button's location, before you get in far enough to see it

-Notice you never stand with your arms crossed or your hands in your pockets

-Tend to keep at least one flavour of martial arts weapon close at hand by your bed when you sleep

-Buy shoes either because they're particularly flexible or have steel toes

-Have at least one fantasy where you are a martial arts hero and end the fight by saying something so cool that you make Arnold Schwarzenegger and Clint Eastwood look like nervous chatterboxes

-Urge to bow every time you enter or leave a room.

-I used to accidentally call one of my favorite professors 'sensei' with fair regularity, and I don't think I'll ever stop saying 'hai!' instead of 'yes!'.

-When standing in line you find yourself practicing some stance from your art

-When you bow going into and out of the bathroom

-When you don't use any tools while splitting firewood.

-When you are introduced to someone and you bow to greet them.

-When you start doing ikkyo-undo, kote gaeshi-undo and similar exercises in meetings and on the bus.

-When you start wondering what technique would fit best if that passing stranger over there would attack me.

-When you are considering doing irimi-nage on every bicyclist who's speeding towards you and forcing you to step aside.

-When you in parties don't understand why everybody is looking weird at you and your Aikido-friend who's having a conversation where at least half the words are in Japanese.

-When you, after training, are discussing techniques with your friends at the bus stop, starts demonstrating on him and don't understand why everybody else who was waiting for the bus is going in such large circles around you when the bus arrives.




Murphy's Laws of Martial Arts

Ten scientific principles that apply to the study of all martial arts:

  1. The wimp who made it through the eliminations on luck alone will suddenly turn into Bruce Lee when you're up against him.

  2. The referee will always be looking the other way when you score.

  3. You will have trouble with the ties on your gi pants when members of the opposite sex are in class.

  4. The day you leave work early to make it to class on time, the sensei will be sick.

  5. The sensei will only use you during demonstrations for joint-locking techniques.

  6. If you have to use your training in self-defense, your attacker's father will be a lawyer.

  7. After a flawless demonstration, you will trip on your way back to your seat.

  8. After years of training without a single injury, you will pull a groin muscle the night before your black belt exam.

  9. In an otherwise vacant locker room, the only other person will have the locker right next to yours.

  10. No matter how many times you take care of it before your promotion exam, you will invariably have to go to the bathroom when it's your turn.





Random Martial Arts Humor

You go to a special place, get dressed in special clothes and tell someone how to hurt you

You always say "Thank You" to the person hurting you when they are done.

Even if someone gets really hurt, chances are they'll do it again.

"The more you relax, the less this will hurt!"

No one understands why you do it except other people involved in the activity.

Guys can wear skirts. (huh?)

All have their "UPs (whoaaa..)" and "DOWNs (splat!)".




The Top 13 Signs You've Joined the Wrong Martial Arts School

 13> Your dojo's symbol is a bullseye target. 

12> First demonstration consists of falling to the floor, curling 
into the fetal position, and whimpering pitifully. 

11> Frequent pauses while instructor tearfully stops to right his 
spilled pocket protector. 

10> The "gis" are used hospital gowns, and the "throwing stars" 
are just slices of old cheese. 

9> The homework is always just to watch a Jackie Chan movie. 

8> The techniques are only effective if your attacker is one of 
the Three Stooges. 

7> Instructor's low fees enhanced by take from one-on-one "pop 
quizzes" in dark alleys. 

6> Benihana has a restraining order against your instructor. 

5> Local muggers gather in the parking lot waiting for class to 

4> Current students bark out on cue the phrase "Insurance does 
not exist in this dojo!" 

3> You take yourself to the mat 4 out of 5 times simply trying 
to tie your belt on. 

2> Sensei's "ancient Chinese secret" required notifying the 
neighbors when he moved in. 

and the Number 1 Sign You've 
Joined the Wrong Martial Arts School... 

1> Did Confucius ever really say he was "going to open up a 
can of whoop-ass" on someone? 


You know you're hooked when ...

  You know you're hooked when the first word out of your parrot's mouth is KIAI!, and you teach your cat how to free spar.

  You know you're hooked when you have more bruises than a roller derby queen, and you still go back for more.

  You know you're hooked when you refuse to wear shoes. 

  You know you're hooked when you shop for clothes based on whether you can kick in them.

  You know you're hooked when the only clothes you'll wear are gi's.You know you're hooked when you actually crave a beach workout.

  You know you're hooked when the books on your night stand are by authors like Gichin Funakoshi, Hirokazu Kanazawa and Musashi Miyamoto.

  You know you're hooked when the Twelve Days of Christmas becomes: one boxing bag, two boxing gloves, three shin pads (includes an extra pad for the one 

  you'll lose), four Yamato gi's, five rolls of hockey tape....twelve cases of Tiger Balm. 

  You know you're hooked when you look for a place to live based on the amount of practice space it provides. 

  You know you're hooked when you shut the refrigerator door / turn off the light with a jumping side thrust kick / spinning back kick.






This site was last updated 01/01/21

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